http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/

21 March 2011

The Onion News Network

FactZone with Brooke Alvarez

Special Report: CIA Receives More Funding For Facebook Program



TRANSCRIPT

Brooke Alvarez: Congress today reauthorized funding for Facebook, the massive online surveillance program run by the CIA.

According to Department of Homeland Security reports, Facebook has replaced almost every other CIA information gathering program since it was launched in 2004.

Christopher Sartinksy, Deputy CIA Director: "After years of secretly monitoring the public, we were astounded so many people would willingly publicize where they live, their religious and political views, an alphabetized list of all their friends, personal email addresses, phone numbers, hundreds of photos of themselves, and even status updates about what they were doing moment to moment ... It is truly a dream come true for the CIA."

Brooke Alvarez: Much of the credit belongs to CIA agent Mark Zuckerberg, who runs the day to day Facebook operation for the agency. The decorated agent, code-named "The Overlord," was recently awarded the prestigious Medal of Intelligence commendation for his work with the Facebook program, which he has called "the single most powerful tool for population control ever created."

Among the biggest successes of the Facebook program is Operation: FarmVille, which the CIA credits with pacifying as many as 85 million people, after unemployment rates rose dramatically.

Other features, such as the 'suggested friends' window, have been instrumental in allowing government agents to infiltrate deeper into the 'friend' networks of suspected dissidents.

For some expert analysis now on the story, let's check in with the FactZone's first responders. Jason, you have written extensively about the Facebook program. Why is it so effective?

Jason Copeland, Senior Political Analyst: One of the key reasons is that the CIA has been so thorough in convincing the nation that constantly sharing information about everything you're doing is somehow desirable instead of deeply unsettling.

Brooke Alvarez: The critics are saying that with the national debt being so high, is this really the time to be spending even more money on spy programs?

Duncan Birch, author, "My Virtual Wife": Actually the Facebook program saves the CIA money.

Lauralee Hickok, syndicated columnist: That's right.

Duncan Birch: Like the Maps application where you list every place that you've been, whether it's a state or a country...

Lauralee Hickok: Oh right, with the little pins where you show where you've visited. I like that.

Duncan Birch: That kind of information would've taken the CIA months of going through hotel receipts and plane tickets to figure it all out. The manpower that Facebook saves is huge.

Jason Copeland: Absolutely, and the Calendar feature even lets the CIA know where you're going to be in advance.

Brooke Alvarez: Right, so now if they want to pick you up for questioning, all they have to do is see which events you RSVP 'yes' to, and then send their agents to be waiting for you.

Jason Copeland: That's how they got my brother.

Brooke Alvarez: So effective. But, guys, with all the focus on the Facebook program, is it taking away from some of the other CIA programs like the Twitter initiative?

Duncan Birch: Oh, the funding for that should be cut entirely.

Lauralee Hickok: Right. 400 billion 'tweets' and not one useful bit of data was ever transmitted.

Brooke Alvarez: So true. Now, is this trend of social-network information gathering dangerous? Just last week, the New York Times revealed that al-Qaeda has designed Foursquare to identify popular locations for bombing.

Jason Copeland: Actually, Brooke, that's been discredited as any kind of real threat. The people that use that site are people that no one would mind seeing bombed anyway.

Duncan Birch: The only thing the CIA has to be concerned about is people losing interest in Facebook and moving on to a new social network site, like the Chinese site Wanbee.

Lauralee Hickok: I love Wanbee!

Duncan Birch: Are you guys on Wanbee?

Lauralee Hickok: Oh my god, it's so much more fun than Facebook! I love that you can earn friend points the more state secrets that you post. I've got a lot of contacts in the State Department, I think I could really rack 'em up!

Brooke Alvarez: All right first responders, thank you so much as always. I am of course a big fan of any social networking site. It allows me to interact with my fans without having to see, hear or smell them.